This week’s memo: An identity doesn’t “belong” to anyone we are human we make them.
“You don’t have an identity you make it, replace it, and refine it”
“You are awkward in public because you have no identity”
I often say that many people feel awkward in public because they do not have a strong sense of identity. From my experience, that has felt true.
Growing up as a sheltered child with very protective parents, I struggled to socialize, make friends, and understand perspectives outside my own. Much of my life felt predetermined, so when the time came to think for myself, I felt lost. I was used to following instructions and expected everything to make sense, but I eventually realized that instructions are not always answers; sometimes they are only guidelines.
After graduating, I explored my own interests, but I still felt plain compared to others. That began to shift when I met my first partner, who introduced me to new ways of expressing myself. My confidence and social skills grew, and for a time I felt more certain of who I was. When the relationship ended, I experienced a loss of identity that brought that uncertainty back.
During that period, I became aware of something unfamiliar within me, a sense of a different direction I could take. I ignored it at first because it intimidated me, but as I worked through the breakup, I turned inward and explored it. I began building an identity on my own. It was no longer simple or single-layered; it felt deeper and more multilayered, shaped by experiences I was still trying to understand. Instead of accepting it, I tried to reduce it into something simpler and easier to live with. Even so, I had grown stronger. I could meet new people, choose my own style, and stand on my own while still carrying the weight of what I had been through.
Over time, I was drawn to someone new, but I hesitated because I feared repeating the same pattern. When that relationship ended, I again felt disconnected from myself. I struggled socially and began borrowing traits from others around me, trying to rebuild a sense of identity from fragments.
Eventually, that internal feeling returned, stronger than before. Having gone through the process of rebuilding myself once, I tried again with more intention. I began to accept the deeper, more multilayered parts of myself, even as I resisted them. At the same time, I attempted to shape myself into something simple and single-layered, something I believed I should be, but it felt forced and unstable.
The more I resisted, the more disconnected I felt, and I became afraid of myself and of how I might be perceived. Over time, I have begun to understand that acknowledging every part of who I am, even the parts I do not fully understand, is not something to fear. A complex, deep, and multilayered identity is not something to reduce, but something to understand.
For a long time, I believed I had no identity. Then I believed I had found one, only to lose it again and again. Now I see that identity is not fixed or permanent, but something that evolves. We are allowed to change, to grow, and to redefine ourselves as many times as we need.
(I updated this piece everyone. Thank you for reading)
- Lionel Loevall Reddick