This week’s memo: An identity doesn’t “belong” to anyone we are human we make them.
“You don’t have an identity you make it, replace it, and refine it”
“You are awkward in public because you have no identity”
I often say that many people feel awkward in public because they do not have a strong sense of identity. From my experience, that has felt true.
Growing up as a sheltered child with very protective parents, I struggled with socializing, making friends, and understanding different perspectives. Everything in my life was already planned out for me, so when it came time to think for myself, I felt lost. When you are used to following instructions, you expect everything to make sense. But instructions are not always answers. Sometimes they are just guidelines.
After graduating, I slowly started to explore my own style and interests, but I still felt plain compared to everyone else. That began to change when I met my first partner.
They helped me find a sense of style and expression. My awkwardness started to fade. My confidence grew. My social skills improved. For a while, everything felt right. But then I went through a painful breakup that left me feeling shattered. It felt like I had lost my identity all over again.
At the same time, there was something inside me that lingered, something unfamiliar that felt like it could be a new part of who I was. I ignored it at first because it scared me.
As I worked through the heartbreak, I finally turned inward and explored that feeling. I began to shape an identity on my own. It was not as bright as before. It felt darker, and I struggled with that because I did not feel like I deserved to be that version of myself. So I tried to soften it and make it lighter. Even though I did not feel as confident as I once did, I was stronger. I could meet new people, choose my own style, and stand on my own. Still, the weight of that heartbreak never fully left me.
As time passed, I found myself drawn to someone new. It felt different, fresh, and unfamiliar. But I was also scared. I felt hesitant and unsure because I did not think I could handle another heartbreak. Eventually, that relationship ended too.
Once again, I felt like I had lost myself. I struggled to connect with others and went through a phase where I absorbed pieces of the people around me, trying to rebuild an identity from what I saw in them.
Then I noticed that same feeling inside me again, but this time it was stronger. Since I had rebuilt myself once before, I decided to do it again, this time with more intention. I tried to shape myself into something bright and pure, something I thought I should be.
But it was harder this time.
It felt like I was forcing myself into something that did not fully fit. That darker part of me was still there, and it still scared me. But I am starting to understand that acknowledging every part of myself, even the parts I do not fully understand, is what actually makes me stronger.
I am also learning that everyone is unique and different, and that is not something to hide or cut away. You should not exclude parts of yourself just because they feel unfamiliar or different.
For so long, I felt like I had no identity. Then I thought I found one, only to lose it. Then I found it again, and lost it again. Now, I am on a journey, learning how to navigate the version of myself that is still becoming.
Just because something exists within me does not mean it has to define me forever. I am human, and I am allowed to change, grow, and redefine myself as many times as I need.
- Lionel Loevall Reddick